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Becoming Motherless

3 years ago today, on July 2, my life changed forever.

The boldest, most striking chapter within my dark night of the soul.

The journey of becoming motherless, and unraveling every single thread that held my life together. A transformation that I couldn’t have ever expected, or deemed possible. A complete falling apart, before coming together.

I write this post through the lens of feeling the wide spectrum of emotions that exist here. There is grief for the magnitude of the loss; the realization that this relationship was so special, and feeling the fresh intangibility of it in the physical world. Honoring the transience. Yet, there is also immeasurable gratitude- as the gift I have received through this process has been greater than anything I could’ve ever imagined.

In walking through these fires I’ve come to know Who I Really Am, and the power that carries. Coming to know a love that stretches infinitely in all directions. It is both formless, and form, and could never be lost but only transformed. The discovery of this Love, the evolution of consciousness, has changed life eternally.

Today marks the day that my best friend, travel partner, mutually obsessed animal-loving mom, Elizabeth Nicosia, whose radiance would fill any room she walked in- began her several month turbulent journey in the hospital.

Today marks the day that I had to become a mother to myself, as I no longer really had one in form.

Emergency brain surgery gone wrong. Incompetent surgeon. Careless nurses. Oh wait- did I forget to say both mine and my mom’s cars spontaneously broke during this time, and…we were in the middle of a pandemic.

I would spend 8 hours, several days a week in the hospital, taking zoom classes from the ICU for my psychology degree: handling a house, bills, 2 cats, school, work, and my mom in the hospital with no help from my family at 20 years old. It really felt like the weight of the world. I wanted to spend all the time I could with her, the nurses always said she perked up as soon as I got there. We were really best friends, she was only 47. I never ever expected to live my life without parents at this age. She was my rock.

It was a slow happening, filled with shattered hope as we slipped through the cracks in the American healthcare system. The deepest forms of pain. To try so hard to save someone without gaining any ground. It was out of my control and this was a visceral, direct experience into whatever is meant to happen will happen, there’s nothing you can do to stop the happening. I sat and watched one thing after another go wrong, and be initiated into having ultimate compassion, learning how to forgive and love the people who were directly responsible for the abuse my mom suffered in the hospitals/care facilities that ultimately lead to her death. It was really powerful to experience, I was coming to know new levels of Love that were so freeing. It was sink or swim, and I was learning how to swim out in the middle of the ocean during a storm.

It felt so difficult to accept, I did everything to resist it and fix things, since I couldn’t accept this reality. Then, I began to see all the ways why this was happening for Me. It felt so messed up to even acknowledge the positives, but that deep knowing allowed me to see clearly. I was watching my 3D reality unfold in such a way that lifted the veil. Losing my old self, to give birth to a rising phoenix.

I am so grateful for this very special soul contract we had on earth in this lifetime. We traveled. We laughed. We played. We lived.

Together we died. To be reborn as One.

I experienced our souls merge at an ayahuasca ceremony on May 14, 2021.

I’ve learned how to embody aspects of her I always wanted, ones that used to feel so far, so out of reach.

She was loved by all: kind, empathetic, hilarious, fun, bubbly, smart, artistic. Talk Show host for the St. Clair Shores Animal Care & Welfare Committee. Incredible real estate agent. Her presence felt very irreplaceable. The Divine Feminine is irreplaceable- it's an essence that once you touch, you'll never forget.

She loved me the best that she could, and I can say I did the same.

I’ve learned that everyone is always coming from Love, and that our parents love us the best they can. Sometimes blockages can stop the flow of love, but they’re only pointing us towards what to work on next, since the universe naturally works to restore harmony.

Sometimes losing everything can be exactly what you need. Sometimes, you need to rebuild from the ground up.

Through the processing of this experience, I’ve really come to know what’s important in life. I’m here to be the best expression of Love I can possibly be, and have fun while being it, inspiring others to do the same.

Death has a way of bringing up Truth. You can hide, or you can face it and find beauty through the pain.

The power is always yours to decide how you define your experiences, and what you will take from them.

Alisa Nicosia

Perception, 2019

watercolor & pen on paper


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